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I must say, I hang out with some pretty witty folks sometimes.

…

“You never know when you’re going to run into some fried chicken.” ~ some student

“Life is short!  We have to drink as much as we can!” ~ Jennifer
“I bet if you ate a baby it would feed you for like a week.” ~ Don

“All I’m saying is, do what makes you happy & not crazy.” ~ Maura

“There’s too many alcohollllllls!!” ~ Don

“You’re not allowed to make sexual jokes about coffee stains in the morning.” ~ Jon

“I’ve been advised by my attorney not to break the law anymore.” ~ Diane

“I AM middle America!” ~ Kelly

“Don’t call me hoity-toity with your eyes.” ~ Diego

“If Jesus were alive now, he’d definitely use a DeWalt.” ~ Don

“I love being blunt. Then I can be evil and no one is shocked.” ~ Howard

“I will eat anything, any time.” ~ Drew

“Bring it! BRING THE CRAZY!!!” ~ Lilla

“I’m going to start making a list of things I have to do to keep myself from going crazy. First would be to find a pen to write my list with.” ~ Jon

“Wonderful. I just realized I’m smarter than the coffee maker.” ~ Debra

“I’m like Ronald Reagan if he were a math teacher.” ~ Jon

“I think side mirrors are the closest thing that cars have to ears.” ~ Don

Monica: “OK, from here on, just follow the Whiskey Trail.” Me: “That’s my favorite game.”

“You know why we get a long so well? Because deep down I’m just as ghetto as you are.” ~ Monica

“Don’t talk to me in any language you can’t say ’suck my ass’ in.” ~ Monica

“When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s hard to see your way out of the swamp.” ~ Jane Schafer (Alright; I wasn’t really “hanging out” with her so much as “attending a lecture” by her, but why split that particular hair? Jane’s cool.)

“When fighting zombies, it’s always important to keep in mind that you personally are the last bastion against the undead.” ~ Dan

“And on the seventh day, God created the octave doubling.” ~ Nielson

“Sir, the flame in you has grown dim, but if you open your valve and let Him in, the Lord will fill you with His gas.” ~ King of the Hill

“You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough that there’s no chin under his beard. Nope; just another fist.” ~ Family Guy

“George Bailey? What’s he want?” “He’s making violent love to me, mother.” ~ It’s a Wonderful Life

“I’m not sad, I’m complicated. Chicks dig that.” ~ House, MD

“It seems there are other ways to kill people besides having sex with them.” ~ House, MD

“I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.” ~ Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

“It’s always good to know what you don’t know.” ~ CSI

“You two wouldn’t happen to have seen a baboon wandering around here, would you? From a distance it might have looked like a large, hairy customer with a bright red ass.” ~ King of the Hill

“It ain’t what people call you that’s important. It’s what you answer to.” ~ Medea’s Family Reunion

“Would you stop calling me the Prince of Darkness? That’s how rumors get started.” ~ Monk

“This isn’t happy hour at the Cock Pit, this is a courtroom, now get your ass out there and litigate, bitch!” ~ Will & Grace

“There is no spoon.” ~ The Matrix

“You’re cute. I can see why she likes you.” “Who?” “Not too bright, though.” ~ The Matrix

“Is this heaven?” “No…It’s Iowa.” “Huh. Coulda sworn it was heaven.” ~ Field of Dreams

“Do, or do not. There is no try.” ~ Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

“Did you use that conditioner I brought you? It’s my favorite. You’ll love it, Katie. It has jojoba.” “What is jojoba? “It’s something they put in for healthy hair.” “Hair is dead tissue. You can’t make it healthy.” “Whatever. It’s good for your hair.” “Like what? A chemical?” “No, it’s organic.” “It can be oganic and still be chemical. Heard of organic chemistry?” “It makes my hair look, smell, and feel good, and that is the extent of my information about it.” ~ Proof

“Men don’t do what they like! Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like!” ~ American Dad

“I would tell you what you want to know if I could, mum, but I be a cat. And no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer.” ~ The Last Unicorn

“Love is slowing you down, my lady. I will catch you at last, if you love much more.” ~ The Last Unicorn

“Did you love her?” “I thought I did.” “When you think you love somebody, you love them. That’s what love is.” ~ Battlestar Galactica

“Mathematics is not a careful march down a well-cleared highway, but a journey into a strange wilderness, where the explorers often get lost.”  ~ W.S. Anglin

“The things of this world cannot be made known without a knowledge of mathematics.”  ~ Roger Bacon, Opus Majus part 4, Distinctia Prima cap 1, 1267

” ‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics.” ~ Eric Temple Bell

“I advise my students to listen carefully the moment they decide to take no more mathematics courses. They might be able to hear the sound of closing doors.”  ~ James Caballero

“One of the endlessly alluring aspects of mathematics is that its thorniest paradoxes have a way of blooming into beautiful theories.”  ~ Philip. J. Davis

“If you ask mathematicians what they do, you always get the same answer. They think. They think about difficult and unusual problems.”  ~ M. Egrafov

“An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities, a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity.”  ~ Howard W. Eves

“The essence of mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple.”  ~ S. Gudder

“Go down deep enough into anything and you will find mathematics.”  ~ Dean Schlicter

“The desire to create supercedes the desire to create something specific.” ~ M.C. Escher

“Happiness lies in the thrill of creative effort.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh

“Art is a lie that helps us realize the truth.” ~ Pablo Picasso

“If I knew what the picture was going to be like, I wouldn’t make it.  It was almost like it was made already.  The challenge is more about trying to make what you can’t think of.” ~ Cindy Sherman

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.  Art is knowing which ones to keep.” ~ Scott Adams

“When I don’t like a piece of music, I make a point of listening to it more closely.” ~ Francis Schmitt

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~ Confucius

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of modern life: music and cats.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘I cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh

[Or, alternatively:  “If you hear a voice within you say, ‘I cannot _____,’ then by all means _____, and that voice will be silenced.” (You fill in the blanks.)]