“My favorite holiday is Halloween, and not just because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes. You know you do! ‘Do you like my costume? I’m a witch.’ Yeah, if she were a hooker. ‘I’m Little Miss Muffet.’ Yes, I’m sure you are.” ~ Jim Gaffigan, Beyond The Pale
And apparently, The Onion agrees:
I like Halloween because it’s the least pretentious of the holidays. 
I’m still trying to fully understand this.
Best Episode of “Celebrity Death Match” Never Made: Janeane Garofalo vs Ann Coulter. Now that’d be hot.
“Arrrgh, I would tell you what you want to know if I could, mum, but I be a cat. And no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer.” ~ The Last Unicorn
Up until five minutes ago, I totally thought that Taco Bell invented the spork.
I am soooo disillusioned right now.
“We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.” ~ Ronald Reagan, 1964, in response to statistics that eventually lead to the creation of food stamps programs
“First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the president’s willing to do something bad for the kids.” ~ William Kristol, 10.3.07, in response to criticism of President Bush’s decision not to extend the State Children’s Health Insurance Program, which would have provided health insurance to an estimated 3.8 million children without health coverage
“I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room.” ~ Bush, July ‘07; guess that explains the S-CHIP decision.
“In this commercial, [Michael J. Fox] is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He is moving all around and shaking. And it’s purely an act.” ~ Rush Limbaugh, in response to a commercial in which Fox appeared in support of Claire McCaskill [Democratic senatorial candidate from Missouri] in 2006.
What the f, man?